I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Im part way to drunk.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
