god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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