Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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