someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
