Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
