I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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