My sheets look like a crime scene.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
