moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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