My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
