i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
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