Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
