Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
