Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
