you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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