Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
