Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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