every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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