drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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