david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
