im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
