my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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