i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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