Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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