apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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