I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
