Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
