just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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