Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
