You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
