Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
