the condom got lost in my hair
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
