dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
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That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
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My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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