alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
