I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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