just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I want a musical about memes.
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