He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
