Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
