covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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