I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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