he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My penis needs a shock collar
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
