I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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