I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Panties = found
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