The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
