I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
if only i could text you this smell
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
