Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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