i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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