So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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