dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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