you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
