I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
People in love make me want to vomit
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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