and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
