I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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