he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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