Sponge bath it is.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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