Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
