I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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