I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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