my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
