My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Randomize
