Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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