My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
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I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
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Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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