Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
