Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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