If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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