how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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